I have been…something… lately.
Numb? Down? Depressed? Without joy? Despairing?
I wasn’t able to put my finger on it, what I was feeling or not feeling. It feels like fatigue. Tired. No energy, no anticipation, no enthusiasm.
I was really trying to figure it out. Circumstantially my life is incredible. Thirty years married to one good man. Three grown, healthy children. A grandson on the way. A cute brown dog for companionship. Friends I love, who love me in return. Extended family. Jobs. An American life, which is comfortable, safe, rich. Seriously, what more could you ask for? I can’t imagine. We have it all.
We live in a broken world.
Selfishness. Poverty. Meanness. Hate. Greed. Apathy. Unforgiveness.
Yet I am not without hope.
I believe God exists. I believe that he is good. And I believe he lived among us as a man called Jesus.
And this man called Jesus wants us to know his father, God. He wants us to acknowledge our brokenness, in this broken world, and turn from it, and turn to him. And he wants us to live like he lived.
And a lot of people believe what I believe. We agree, in principle.
It’s that pesky business of living it out that trips us up.
Because this Jesus, this guy was a bit extreme, for his time, for our time, for any time.
He wants us to live according to the rules of his kingdom. Yes, he claims kingship over a kingdom.
There are two basic rules:
Love God. Love everybody else.
Sounds simple enough, right?
Sing it with me…”What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.”
But then the lawyers come out…What is love? Who is everybody? What does that look like?
And that is where it begins to unravel.
I have my idea of what that is supposed to look like. And my idea is growing more radical by the day. I really want to live like Jesus.
It seems like, if I live like Jesus, I should look really different. Really different. In a, “you are nuts, but wow look at what you’re doing” kind of way.
But I’m not all that good at living what I believe.
So it reminds me of Al Pacino in the movie And Justice For All. He was a lawyer. Working in a broken judicial system. He had an idea of what it could/should look like. But he just kept banging up against the brokeness. And he felt very alone.
And I guess that’s what I’m feeling now. Like Al Pacino sitting on the steps of the courthouse at the end of the movie. All energy expended. No real change.
And wondering, What next?
How do I live in this broken world?